1205 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
1205 lines
44 KiB
Plaintext
Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
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If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for
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bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.
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"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
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-- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
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done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=
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The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
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KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
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PATSY : Terry Gilliam
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GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
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GUARD #2 : John Cleese
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MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
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CUSTOMER : John Cleese
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DEAD PERSON : ???
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DENNIS : Michael Palin
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WOMAN : Terry Jones
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BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
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VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
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VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
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SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
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WITCH : ???
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VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
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NARRATOR: Michael Palin
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SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
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SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
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SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
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GOD : ???
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FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
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MINSTREL : ???
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LEFT HEAD :
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MIDDLE HEAD :
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RIGHT HEAD :
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Graham Chapman
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Terry Jones
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Michael Palin
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OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
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HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
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FATHER : Michael Palin
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PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
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GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
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GUARD #2 : ???
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CONCORDE : Eric Idle
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OLD CRONE : ???
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ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle
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TIM THE ENCHANTER: John Cleese
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BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
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SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin
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Scene 1
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[wind]
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[clop clop]
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ARTHUR: Whoa there!
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[clop clop]
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GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
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ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
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of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
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of all England!
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GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
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ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
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We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
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who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
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and master.
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GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
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ARTHUR: Yes!
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GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
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ARTHUR: What?
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GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
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'em together.
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ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
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land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
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GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
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ARTHUR: We found them.
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GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
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ARTHUR: What do you mean?
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GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
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ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
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or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
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strangers to our land.
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GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
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ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
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GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
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ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
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GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
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question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
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coconut.
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ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
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that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
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GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
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needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
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ARTHUR: Please!
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GUARD #1: Am I right?
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ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
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GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
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GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
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swallow, that's my point.
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GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
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ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
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at Camelot?!
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GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
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GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
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GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
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[clop clop]
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GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
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GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
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GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
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GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
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GUARD #2: Well, why not?
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Scene 2
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MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
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MORTICIAN: What?
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CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
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MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
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CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
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MORTICIAN: He isn't.
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CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
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CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
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MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
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DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
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CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
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MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
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DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
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CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
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MORTICIAN: I can't.
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CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
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be long.
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MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
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today.
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CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
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MORTICIAN: Thursday.
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DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
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CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
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something you can do?
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DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
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[whop]
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CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
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MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
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CUSTOMER: Right.
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[clop clop]
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MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
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CUSTOMER: I don't know.
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MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
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CUSTOMER: Why?
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MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
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Scene 3
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[clop clop]
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ARTHUR: Old woman!
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DENNIS: Man!
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ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
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DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
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ARTHUR: What?
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DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
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ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
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DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
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ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
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DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
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ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
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you looked--
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DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
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ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
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DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
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exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
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which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
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If there's ever going to be any progress--
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WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do?
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ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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Who's castle is that?
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WOMAN: King of the who?
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ARTHUR: The Britons.
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WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
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ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
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WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
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collective.
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DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
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A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
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WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
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DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
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ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
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in that castle?
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WOMAN: No one live there.
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ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
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WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
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ARTHUR: What?
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DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take
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it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
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ARTHUR: Yes.
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DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
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at a special biweekly meeting.
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ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
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DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
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ARTHUR: Be quiet!
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DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
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ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
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WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
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ARTHUR: I am your king!
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WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
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ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
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WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
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ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
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[angels sing]
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her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
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from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
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Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
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[singing stops]
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That is why I am your king!
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DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
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is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
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from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
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ARTHUR: Be quiet!
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DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
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just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
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ARTHUR: Shut up!
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DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
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because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
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ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
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DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
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ARTHUR: Shut up!
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DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
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HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
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ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
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DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
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eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
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it didn't you?
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Scene 4
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[arg] [ugh] [hah]
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ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
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I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
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in my courted camelot.
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You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?
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You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
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BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
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ARTHUR: What?
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BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
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ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
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cross this bridge.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
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ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
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BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
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ARTHUR: So be it!
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[hah]
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[parry thrust]
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
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ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
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BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
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ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
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BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
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ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
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BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
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ARTHUR: You liar!
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BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
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[hah]
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[parry thrust]
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
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ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
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[kneeling]
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We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
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[hah]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
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ARTHUR: What?
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BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
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ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
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ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
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ARTHUR: Look!
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BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
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[bang]
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ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
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ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
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[whop]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
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ARTHUR: You'll what?
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BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
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ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
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BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
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ARTHUR: You're a loony.
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BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
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Have at you! Come on then.
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[whop]
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
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BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
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ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
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bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
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your legs off!
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Scene 5
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CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
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VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
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CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
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BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
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VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
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BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
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WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
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BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
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WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
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CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
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WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
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BEDEMIR: Well?
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VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
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BEDEMIR: The nose?
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VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
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CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
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BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
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CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
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VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
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BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
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VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
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BEDEMIR: A newt?
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VILLAGER #3: I got better.
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VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
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CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
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BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
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she is a witch.
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CROWD: Are there? What are they?
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BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
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VILLAGER #2: Burn!
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CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
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BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
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VILLAGER #1: More witches!
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VILLAGER #2: Wood!
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BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
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VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
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BEDEMIR: Good!
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CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
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BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
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VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
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BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
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VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
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BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
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VILLAGER #1: No, no.
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VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
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VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
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CROWD: The pond!
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BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
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VILLAGER #1: Bread!
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VILLAGER #2: Apples!
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VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
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VILLAGER #1: Cider!
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VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
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VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
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VILLAGER #2: Mud!
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VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
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VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
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ARTHUR: A duck.
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CROWD: Oooh.
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BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
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VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
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BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
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VILLAGER #1: A witch!
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CROWD: A witch!
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BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
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[yelling]
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BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
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[whop]
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[creak]
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CROWD: A witch! A witch!
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WITCH: This is a fair cop.
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CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
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BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
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ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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BEDEMIR: My liege!
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ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
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and join us at the Round Table?
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BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
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ARTHUR: What is your name?
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BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
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ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
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[Narrative Interlude]
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NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
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knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
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Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
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Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
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of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
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and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
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the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
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a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
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the Knights of the Round Table.
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Scene 6
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BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
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ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
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sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
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BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
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LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
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ARTHUR: Camelot!
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GALAHAD: Camelot!
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LANCELOT: Camelot!
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PATSY: It's only a model.
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ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
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ride... to... Camelot.
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[singing]
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We're knights of the round table
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We dance when e'er we're able
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We do routines and parlour scenes
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With footwork impecc-Able.
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We dine well here in Camelot
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We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
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[dancing]
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|
|
|
We're knights of the Round Table
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Our shows are for-mid-able
|
|
Oh many times we're given rhymes
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That are quite unsing-able
|
|
We not so fat in Camelot
|
|
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
|
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|
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[tap-dancing]
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Oh we're tough and able
|
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Quite indefatigable
|
|
Between our quests we [something]
|
|
And impersonate Clark Gable
|
|
It's a bit too loud in Camelot
|
|
I have to push the pram a lot.
|
|
|
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ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
|
|
a silly place.
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Right.
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|
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Scene 7
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|
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|
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
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|
there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
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|
ARTHUR: Sorry--
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GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
|
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"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
|
|
doing now!?
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|
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
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|
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
|
|
depressing. Now knock it off!
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|
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
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GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the
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|
Round
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Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
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|
ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
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GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
|
|
Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
|
|
That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
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ARTHUR: A blessing!
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LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
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GALAHAD: God be praised!
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Scene 8
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|
|
|
[clop clop]
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|
ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
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|
GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
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|
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
|
|
Table. Who's castle is this?
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|
GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble
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|
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
|
|
with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night
|
|
he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
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|
GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
|
|
Uh, he's already got one, you see?
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|
ARTHUR: What?
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GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
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|
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
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|
GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one)
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
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|
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh!
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|
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
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|
GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
|
|
silly king!
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|
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
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|
GUARD: Mind your own business!
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|
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
|
|
by force!
|
|
GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
|
|
bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
|
|
Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
|
|
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
|
|
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
|
|
GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
|
|
food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was
|
|
a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
|
|
???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
|
|
GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
|
|
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
|
|
GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.)
|
|
wha?
|
|
GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!)
|
|
[moo]
|
|
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
|
|
[twong]
|
|
[mooooooo]
|
|
Jesus Christ!
|
|
Right! Charge!
|
|
ALL: Charge!
|
|
[mayhem]
|
|
GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
|
|
[twong]
|
|
ALL: Run away!
|
|
GUARD: Thpppt!
|
|
LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
|
|
ARTHUR: No no, no.
|
|
BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
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|
|
|
[later]
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|
|
|
[chop]
|
|
[rumble rumble squeak]
|
|
ce labon a bunny do
|
|
wha?
|
|
un codoo?
|
|
a present!
|
|
oh, un codoo.
|
|
oui oui hurry!
|
|
wha-?
|
|
let's go!
|
|
[rumble rumble squeak]
|
|
|
|
ARTHUR: What happens now?
|
|
BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
|
|
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
|
|
by surprise, but totally unarmed!
|
|
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
|
|
BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
|
|
and uh....
|
|
ARTHUR: Oh....
|
|
BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
|
|
[twong]
|
|
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
|
|
[splat]
|
|
FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw.
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|
|
|
Scene 9
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|
|
|
Pictures for Schools, take 8.
|
|
DIRECTOR: Action!
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|
|
|
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
|
|
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
|
|
by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
|
|
if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
|
|
conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
|
|
they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this
|
|
is what they did--
|
|
[tromp tromp]
|
|
[slash]
|
|
WOMAN: Greg!
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|
|
|
Scene 10
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
|
|
So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
|
|
through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
|
|
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
|
|
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
|
|
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
|
|
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
|
|
|
|
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
|
|
into a pulp,
|
|
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
|
|
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
|
|
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
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|
|
|
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
|
|
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
|
|
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
|
|
And his penis--
|
|
ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
|
|
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
|
|
DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
|
|
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
|
|
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
|
|
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
|
|
through.
|
|
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
|
|
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
|
|
to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
|
|
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
|
|
ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
|
|
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
|
|
ROBIN: I am.
|
|
TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
|
|
GC:Shall I?
|
|
MP:Oh, I don't think so.
|
|
GC:Well, what do I think?
|
|
TJ:I think kill him.
|
|
MP:Well let's be nice to him.
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|
GC:Oh shut up.
|
|
TJ:Perhaps-
|
|
GC:And you.
|
|
TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
|
|
MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
|
|
GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
|
|
TJ:What?
|
|
MP:Yapping on all the time.
|
|
GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
|
|
TJ:What do you mean?
|
|
GC:You snore.
|
|
TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
|
|
GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
|
|
MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
|
|
TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
|
|
and biscuits.
|
|
GC:Yes.
|
|
MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
|
|
TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
|
|
ALL HEADS: Right!
|
|
TJ:He buggered off.
|
|
MP:So he has, he scarpered.
|
|
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
|
|
ROBIN: No!
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
|
|
ROBIN: I didn't!
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
|
|
He bravely turned his tail and fled
|
|
ROBIN: No!
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
|
|
ROBIN: I didn't!
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
|
|
Bravely taking to his feet
|
|
ROBIN: I never did!
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
|
|
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
|
|
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
|
|
ROBIN: I never!
|
|
|
|
Scene 11
|
|
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
|
|
|
|
[boom crash]
|
|
[angels singing]
|
|
|
|
[pound pound pound]
|
|
GALAHAD: Open the door!
|
|
Open the door!
|
|
[pound pound pound]
|
|
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
|
|
[squeak thump]
|
|
[squeak boom]
|
|
ALL: Hello!
|
|
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
|
|
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
|
|
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are
|
|
nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
|
|
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
|
|
ZOOT: The what?
|
|
GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
|
|
Crepper!
|
|
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
|
|
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
|
|
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
|
|
ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
|
|
very, very big.
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
|
|
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
|
|
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
|
|
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
|
|
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
|
|
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
|
|
hospitality.
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
|
|
to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
|
|
sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
|
|
protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
|
|
making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
|
|
Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
|
|
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
|
|
lie down. [clap clap]
|
|
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
|
|
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
|
|
ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
|
|
GALAHAD: B-but--
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
|
|
Winston, practice your art.
|
|
PIGLET: Try to relax.
|
|
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
|
|
PIGLET: We must examine you.
|
|
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
|
|
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
|
|
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
|
|
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
|
|
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
|
|
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
|
|
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
|
|
GIRLS: Hello.
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh--
|
|
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
Hello.
|
|
GALAHAD: Zoot!
|
|
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
|
|
DINGO: Where are you going?
|
|
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
|
|
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
|
|
GALAHAD: What is it?
|
|
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
|
|
to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
|
|
first time we've had this problem.
|
|
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
|
|
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
|
|
person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
|
|
have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
|
|
must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
|
|
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
|
|
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
|
|
may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
|
|
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
|
|
And me.
|
|
And me.
|
|
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
|
|
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
|
|
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
|
|
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
|
|
LANCELOT: Sir Galahad!
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
|
|
LANCELOT: Quick!
|
|
GALAHAD: What?
|
|
LANCELOT: Quick!
|
|
GALAHAD: Why?
|
|
LANCELOT: You're in great peril!
|
|
GALAHAD:
|
|
ZOOT:
|
|
LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
|
|
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
|
|
LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
|
|
LANCELOT: Come on!
|
|
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
|
|
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
|
|
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
|
|
LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
|
|
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
|
|
DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
|
|
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
|
|
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
|
|
of them!
|
|
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
|
|
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
DINGO: Oh, shit.
|
|
[outside]
|
|
LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
|
|
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
|
|
LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
|
|
LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
|
|
LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
|
|
LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
|
|
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
|
|
LANCELOT: No, I'm not.
|
|
|
|
Narrative Interlude
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
|
|
temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King
|
|
Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
|
|
discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
|
|
I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
|
|
really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds
|
|
were walking and dragging--
|
|
CROWD: Get on with it!
|
|
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
|
|
scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
|
|
in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
|
|
starling -oolp!
|
|
|
|
Scene 12
|
|
|
|
OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
|
|
ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
|
|
OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
|
|
ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
|
|
OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
|
|
ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
|
|
OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
|
|
of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
|
|
ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
|
|
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
|
|
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
|
|
OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
|
|
|
|
Scene 13
|
|
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
|
|
Nee!
|
|
Nee!
|
|
Nee!
|
|
ARTHUR: Who are you?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
|
|
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
|
|
BEDEMIR: Who are they?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
|
|
Nee-wom!
|
|
RANDOM: Nee-wom!
|
|
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
|
|
ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
|
|
enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
|
|
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
|
|
[chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: A what?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
|
|
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
|
|
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
|
|
never pass through this wood alive!
|
|
ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
|
|
with a shrubbery.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
|
|
ARTHUR: Of course.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
|
|
|
|
Scene 14
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot.
|
|
|
|
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
|
|
HERBERT: What, the curtains?
|
|
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
|
|
out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
|
|
HERBERT: But, Mother!
|
|
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
|
|
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
|
|
FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
|
|
I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft
|
|
to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
|
|
'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the
|
|
swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank
|
|
into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna
|
|
get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
|
|
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
|
|
FATHER: Rather what?!
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|
HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
|
|
[music]
|
|
...sing!
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|
FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
|
|
I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
|
|
a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
|
|
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
|
|
FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
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|
HERBERT: Herbert.
|
|
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
|
|
can get.
|
|
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
|
|
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
|
|
she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
|
|
HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
|
|
a certain... special...
|
|
[music]
|
|
...something...
|
|
FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
|
|
Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
|
|
the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
|
|
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
|
|
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
|
|
FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
|
|
leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Right.
|
|
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
|
|
entering the room.
|
|
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
|
|
GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
|
|
FATHER: All right?
|
|
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
|
|
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
|
|
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
|
|
GUARD #1: Uh...
|
|
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
|
|
All right?
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Right.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
|
|
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
|
|
to leave and we were--
|
|
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
|
|
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
|
|
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
|
|
GUARD #1: Just you.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Get back.
|
|
GUARD #1: Get back.
|
|
FATHER: Right?
|
|
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
|
|
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: What?
|
|
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: The Prince?
|
|
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
|
|
seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
|
|
FATHER: Is that clear?
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
|
|
FATHER: Right.
|
|
[starts to leave]
|
|
Where are you going?
|
|
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
|
|
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
|
|
HERBERT: But, Father!
|
|
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
|
|
|
|
Scene 15
|
|
|
|
LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
|
|
CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
|
|
LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
|
|
one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
|
|
[thwonk]
|
|
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
|
|
[fwump]
|
|
LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
|
|
note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
|
|
my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall
|
|
tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could
|
|
be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You
|
|
shall not have died in vain!
|
|
CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
|
|
CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
|
|
LANCELOT: Oh, I see.
|
|
CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
|
|
LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
|
|
soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
|
|
particular... (sigh)
|
|
CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
|
|
LANCELOT: Idiom!
|
|
CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
|
|
LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
|
|
CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
|
|
|
|
Scene 16
|
|
|
|
LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
|
|
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
|
|
LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
|
|
of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
|
|
HERBERT: You got my note!
|
|
LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
|
|
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
|
|
LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
|
|
HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
|
|
there must be...
|
|
[music]
|
|
...someone...
|
|
FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
|
|
HERBERT: I'm your son!
|
|
FATHER: No, not you.
|
|
LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
|
|
HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
|
|
FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
|
|
LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
|
|
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
|
|
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
|
|
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
|
|
FATHER: I can understand that.
|
|
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
|
|
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
|
|
FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
|
|
LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
|
|
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
|
|
me a fortune!
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
|
|
from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
|
|
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
|
|
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
|
|
LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
|
|
FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
|
|
LANCELOT: Yes.
|
|
HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
|
|
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
|
|
LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
|
|
HERBERT: I am ready!
|
|
[start to leave]
|
|
LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
|
|
[thonk]
|
|
HERBERT: Oooh!
|
|
LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
|
|
uh, sort of carried away.
|
|
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
|
|
HERBERT: Oooh!
|
|
[splat]
|
|
|
|
Scene 17
|
|
[wailing]
|
|
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
|
|
knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
|
|
RANDOM: There he is!
|
|
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
|
|
LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
|
|
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
|
|
LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
|
|
I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
|
|
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
|
|
[yelling]
|
|
FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the
|
|
gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
|
|
guest here today.
|
|
LANCELOT: Hello.
|
|
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
|
|
[yelling]
|
|
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
|
|
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
|
|
witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
|
|
wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
|
|
to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
|
|
a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
|
|
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
|
|
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
|
|
RANDOM: He's getting better!
|
|
FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
|
|
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
|
|
[ugh]
|
|
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
|
|
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
|
|
dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
|
|
[clapping]
|
|
And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
|
|
and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
|
|
LANCELOT: What?
|
|
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
|
|
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
|
|
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
|
|
FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
|
|
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
|
|
FATHER: How?!
|
|
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
|
|
[music]
|
|
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
|
|
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
|
|
FATHER: Shut up!
|
|
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
|
|
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
|
|
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
|
|
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
|
|
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
|
|
LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
|
|
CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
|
|
LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
|
|
[crash]
|
|
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
|
|
|
|
Scene 18
|
|
|
|
[clop clop]
|
|
ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
|
|
a shrubbery!
|
|
[chord]
|
|
CRONE: Who sent you?
|
|
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
|
|
CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
|
|
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
|
|
and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
|
|
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
|
|
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
|
|
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
|
|
ARTHUR: Nee!
|
|
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
|
|
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
|
|
BEDEMIR: Noo!
|
|
ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
|
|
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
|
|
ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
|
|
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
|
|
ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
|
|
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
|
|
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
|
|
at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
|
|
sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
|
|
considerable economic stress at this period in history.
|
|
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
|
|
ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
|
|
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
|
|
BEDEMIR: Nee!
|
|
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
|
|
|
|
Scene 19
|
|
|
|
ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
|
|
go now?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
|
|
But there is one small problem.
|
|
ARTHUR: What is that?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
|
|
RANDOM: Nee!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
|
|
ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
|
|
RANDOM: Nee!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
|
|
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
|
|
Said Nee?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
|
|
[chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
|
|
it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
|
|
two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
|
|
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
|
|
down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
|
|
[chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
|
|
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
|
|
ARTHUR: What word?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
|
|
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
|
|
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
|
|
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
|
|
ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
|
|
|
|
Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
Eric
|